THE SLIP-ME-A-MICKEY AWARDS!!
The Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® awards are a tribute to the absolute worst that film and entertainment has to offer for the year. Again, the qualifying rules are simple, I just had to have seen the film for it to be eligible. This means that at one point I had an interest in the film, and put the effort in to see it, which may explain why I am so angry about it being awful. So any vitriol I may spew during this awards presentation shouldn't be taken personally by the people mentioned, it is really anger at myself for getting duped into watching.
The prizes are also pretty simple. The winners/losers receive nothing but my temporary scorn. If you are a winner/loser don't fret, because this years Slip-A-Mickey™® loser/winner could always be next years Mickey™® winner!! Remember…you are only as good as your last film!!
Now…onto the awards!!
The nominees are...
TRUMBO : I saw Trumbo because they sent me a screener for the SAG awards. I was intrigued because Bryan Cranston stars and is a great actor, and Dalton Trumbo led a remarkably interesting life. This film is so atrociously bad as to be shocking. An all-star cast of Oscar and Emmy winning actors churn out colon-twingeing performances that are reminiscent of a high school improv troupe raiding the local haberdashery. An embarrassment of a film.
CHILD 44 : I am an admitted Russophile, so I am on board with any Russian themed films. I was working as a consultant on a Russian-themed film that was in development when Child 44 came out and was sent to see the movie to see if it would artistically undermine the film I was working on. Technically I was getting paid to see Child 44 and I still almost walked out. This movie boasts a stellar cast, including Tom Hardy and Gary Oldman (one of my all time favorite actors), yet it is an extraordinary abomination of a film. It is such a jumbled, muddled, befuddling, piece of crap film, that even the people in it seem baffled as to what the hell is going on. Child 44 is so awful that I was praying that we could go back in time and have the Soviets win the cold war and then they ban Child 44 and send its makers to Siberia to think long and hard about the cinematic crime they had committed. In conclusion, Child 44 is the Chernobyl of Russian-themed films…meaning, no Russian film can survive in it's wake for at least 100 years. Proschay Navsegda!!
AVENGERS : AGE OF ULTRON : What a loud and meaningless, incoherent, mind numbing assault on the senses this film is. I saw it with a friend who is a big time Hollywood director, and periodically throughout the film we would look at each other perplexed and say "what the fuck is this?" We still haven't figured it out. The film made a billion dollars, which only goes to prove my theory that "people are idiots…myself included."
BRIDGE OF SPIES : Steven Spielberg rolls out another one of his dreadful 'serious" films with the usual results. This movie is two hours and twenty minutes of dim-witted, flag-waving nonsense. Bridge of Spies is like watching a "pledge of allegiance" competition at a nursing home for the compulsively and criminally patriotic.
THE LOSER IS…TRUMBO!!! This film is a steaming pile of amateur hour garbage. Dalton Trumbo must be spinning in his grave.
WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR:
The nominees are….
THE ENTIRE CAST OF TRUMBO : As previously stated, the acting in this film doesn't even reach the height of a small town high school theatrical production. The acting is more like little kids raiding their grandparents closet and playing dress up than it is a feature film.
THE ITALIAN FAMILY IN BROOKLYN : The collection of actors playing the Italian family in Brooklyn act like they just walked out of a Prince spaghetti commercial from the 70's. This "family" is so bad they make Father Guido Sarducci look like Daniel Day-Lewis. In case you are wondering…that is not a compliment.
ALMOST EVERYONE ON EARTH IN THE MARTIAN : Whenever The Martian would show us action taking place on earth, the same thing would happen over and over…some tech nerd would be struggling over a problem and then…BOOM!! the answer would occur to them and they would raise their eye brows and furiously look for a pen and paper to write down their brilliance and then run to another room to tell someone about it. By my count, this happened more than 200 times in the film. Granted, I was so bored it may have just felt like it happened 200 times. The acting was so bad I was praying for an group of Martians to show up and obliterate all life on earth and put me out of my misery.
THE LOSER IS…ITALIAN FAMILY FROM BROOKLYN!! Trumbo is awful across the board, but these Italians from Brooklyn undermine what could have been a decent film. Their acting is so odious that their stink envelops the rest of the film and scuttles the whole ship. This just makes me hate Italians even more than I already do!!! I'm kidding of course…sort of…no seriously…I'm kidding…or am I? No, I am, I am. I swear to you I'm kidding….a little.
MOST OVERRATED FILM OF THE YEAR:
THE MARTIAN : I was excited to see The Martian…then I saw it. Why on earth…or Mars, would anyone think this is a good film, never mind a great one. The movie undercuts any dramatic tension it could have developed by letting the audience know information that Matt Damon himself doesn't know. The movie veers off into farce the further it goes along. That people were tripping over themselves to praise this film is further evidence of my theory that "the people of earth are absolute idiots…myself included!!!"
P.O.S. HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE
JARED FROM SUBWAY: Personally, I could not give a flying fuck what some useless piece of shit spokesman for a horrible sandwich company does with his time. But when Jared was arrested and then convicted for having sex with minors, I felt my usual righteous anger turn into a full on rage. Thanks to Subway's advertising blitzkrieg I had been incessantly subjected to this little shitstain of a prick on my tv for the last decade. They forced this asshole into my life just like he forced himself on underage kids. So…Jared…fuck you for fucking kids and fuck you for entering my consciousness in the first place you fat fuck. Now…if only Flo from Progressive would murder the Kardashians, my life would be complete.
THE 2015 P.O.S. ALL-STARS
LENA DUNHAM : The creator and star of HBO's navel-gazing shitshow Girls, Dunham is a repugnant troll of a human being. In her book "Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She's Learned", she claims to have been sexually assaulted by a fellow student at Oberlin College. When investigative journalists looked deeper into the claim they discovered that Lena's story didn't jibe with the actual facts on the ground. In other words…she made it up and threw a non-guilty guy under the bus in the process. It is really cool of her to lie about a sexual assault in order to pad her feminist bona fides, but you know who might not appreciate Dunham's self serving bullshit story…women who were actually sexually assaulted. Dunham's pretending to know their torment won't help them recover, and her lying won't make it easier for actual victims to be believed when they come forward. Dunham also wrote about her sexual interactions as a seven year old with her one year old sister. If Dunham were a man she would be rightfully excoriated for being a sexual predator, but since she is a woman she gets a pass for her repulsively shameful behavior. Congratulations on being a Piece of Shit All-Star Ms. Dunham.
THE SMITH FAMILY: This year we got to hear from Jada Pinkett-Smith how her husband was snubbed by the Academy Awards because he was black. We also got to hear how Jada was boycotting the Oscars in a show of solidarity with other snubbed black actors…which was convenient since she wasn't invited (as Chris Rock hilariously pointed out). I have one simple request for the entire Smith family...Will, Jada, Jaden and Willow…please shut the fuck up and go away forever. Will Smith is an abysmal hack of an actor and a dopey embarrassment as a "rapper". Jada Pinkett-Smith is a fly on the shit that is Will Smith, she desperately needs to bottle her manufactured self-righteous anger, stop talking immediately and vanish with her equally obnoxious other half. Jaden and Willow are kids, so they have an outside chance to not be as malignantly narcissistic as their God-awful parents, but I gotta be honest… it isn't looking very good as they aren't off to the best possible start in not following in their egotistical parents footsteps. Regardless…congratulations entire Smith family for being Piece of Shit All-Stars!!
And thus ends the second annual Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® Awards!!! To the winners/losers…don't take it personally…and God knows I hope I don't see you again next year!! To you dear reader…thanks for tuning in and we'll see you again next year!!
IN CASE YOU MISSED ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF THE 2015 MICKEY™® AWARDS…CLICK HERE TO CATCH ALL THE ACTION!!!