95th Academy Awards: 2023 Oscar Predictions Post
/It’s that time of year again!! The Oscars are here and I think I speak for everyone on the planet when I say…nobody gives a fuck!
It is a testament to how far the film industry and art of cinema has fallen in recent years that I find myself neither excited nor angered over this year’s Oscar nominations. No, my overwhelming sentiment regarding movies in general and the Oscars in particular is numbing indifference. I just don’t care anymore.
You see, my cinephile spirit has simply been broken under the weight of our cultures repeated cinematic failures. I’m one of those foolish people who demands excellence from cinema and refuses to soften my standards in order to indulge a commitment to mediocrity. This has resulted in my being a rather brutal cinematic curmudgeon for the past three years, which have been the worst three years of my movie-watching lifetime.
Other critics have been all too eager to conform to the current times and adjust (lower) their standards. This is how we get fawning reviews of inconceivably atrocious shit like The Fabelmans and Top Gun: Maverick. Those movies are true embarrassments and it speaks to our decadent age – which is indicative of an empire in steep decay and decline, that they are held up as wondrous cinematic achievements.
To be clear, this past year was better than the previous year, but that’s sort of like being proud that you’re the tallest midget in the freak show.
What is so unnerving about the recent decline in cinema is that it was just four short years ago, in 2019, when cinema seemed to be in tremendous shape. That year we had a truly phenomenal film, Parasite, win Best Picture, beating out an array of interesting and well-made movies for the honor. Among them The Irishman, Joker, Ford v Ferrari, 1917 and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Any one of those film would be the run-away Best Picture winner this year.
But since the heights of 2019 we’ve been inundated with garbage. The low point being when Coda, an absolutely ridiculous, Hall Mark Channel level movie, won Best Picture last year.
The problem is not that bad movies win Oscars, that’s been going on time immemorial. No, the problem is that there’s no movies to get angry over for not having been recognized or honored. When Coda won last year, I just shrugged because I had no dog in the fight.
P.T. Anderson had a film, Licorice Pizza, competing against Coda, and he is one of my all-time favorite filmmakers so it would’ve been nice if he won but truthfully, Licorice Pizza wasn’t any good and I wasn’t going to pretend it was…so I didn’t care.
The same is true this year. There’s no movie that I think stands out that it would be a crime if it was overlooked.
Yes, I liked All Quiet on the Western Front and The Banshees of Inisherin, but I just liked them, not loved them. They are flawed but “enjoyable” movies, so I’m not going into Oscar night yearning for their recognition.
The ugly truth is that I am so indifferent to the Oscars this year, and have become so disenchanted with cinema, that I’m not even going to watch the ceremony, which will be a first for me in my adulthood. The reality is that I have much better things to do, sleep definitely among them, than watch a delusional industry give shitty movies awards for excellence.
That said, I will still fill out my Oscar picks and compete in my Oscar pool, which I have won for a record 34 years in a row. Will I continue my astonishing streak? Probably, but not because I have any clue who will win the awards but more because my competitors care even less than me so they have no clue.
Ok…so there’s my sad tale of disillusionment and disenchantment. Now let’s get on to my Oscar picks and put this terrible year in movies behind once and for all.
BEST PICTURE
Tar – A very flawed but fascinating character study that features the best scene of the year but also the worst third act.
The Fabelmans – An utter embarrassment of a movie. Is the cinematic equivalent of Spielberg soiling himself in public.
Everything Everywhere All at Once – A mildly interesting, pretty trite popcorn movie that has no business being nominated, nevermind the odds-on favorite.
All Quiet on the Western Front – A visually stirring anti-war epic when we need an anti-war epic most. Is the best made movie of the bunch.
Women Talking – This is a bad movie.
Triangle of Sadness – An ambitious and audacious social satire that is actually smarter than it appears at first glance.
Avatar the Way of Water – a big, blue billion-dollar behemoth that is almost instantly forgettable.
Top Gun Maverick – People’s love for this pile of poop astonishes me. It’s like people know it’s awful yet love it for its awfulness.
Elvis – An absurd piece of junk.
Banshees of Inisherin – A flawed but fascinating study of Irish masculinity.
This seems pretty set in stone…but I guess there’s a miniscule chance of an upset, which if it occurs would be All Quiet winning or maybe, maybe Tar.
Should Win: All Quiet on the Western Front/Banshees of Inisherin
Will Win: Everything Everywhere All At Once
BEST ACTOR
Austin Butler – Elvis – The kid is good as Elvis, really good. But it feels more like a lived-in imitation than a piece of acting.
Brendan Fraser – The Whale – The dirty little secret is that Fraser isn’t acting particularly well under that fat suit.
Colin Farrell – Banshees of Inisherin – Farrell has matured into a terrific actor and his work here is intricate and detailed.
Paul Mescal – Aftersun – I don’t get the hype over this kid.
Bill Nighy – Living – Nighy is great in general but I’ve not seen this movie.
This is one of the more up in the air awards of the night. A lot of people have Fraser winning but I just think there’s a ground swell for Austin Butler.
Should Win: Colin Farrell
Will Win: Austin Butler
BEST ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett – Tar – Blanchett is the best actress of her generation and absolutely crushes it in this movie.
Michelle Yeoh – EEAAO – She’s…fine.
Ana de Armas – Blonde – Starring in torture porn is tough work, but the reality is that Ana de Armas shouldn’t have been playing Marylin.
Andrea Riseborough – To Leslie – I like Andrea Riseborough but like the rest of the human race I’ve not seen this movie.
Michelle Williams – The Fabelmans – Williams is an at times pleasant actress but she is truly atrocious in The Fabelmans. This is bad. Really bad.
It seems the tide has turned against Blanchett and in favor of Yeoh. What can you do?
Should Win: Cate Blanchett
Will Win: Michelle Yeoh
SUPPORTING ACTOR
Brendan Gleeson – Banshees of Inisherin – Gleeson is an outstanding actor and he is terrific in this.
Barry Keoghan – Banshees – Keoghan is a little uneven in this role but he does bring it all together in the second best scene in the year in cinema.
Brian Tyree Henry – Causeway – This is a joke. This movie stunk and Henry wasn’t very good in it.
Judd Hirsch – The Fabelmans – A bloated cameo of dubious quality.
Ke Huy Quan – EEAAO – I never thought Quan could be as good as he is in this movie. A really remarkable performance.
Should Win: Gleeson, Keoghan, Quan
Will Win: Quan
SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Angela Bassett – Wakanda Forever – I don’t get it. This movie stinks and she is not good in it.
Hong Chau – The Whale – Another head-shaker…Chau was much better in The Menu than in this.
Kerry Condon – Banshees of Inisherin – A terrific and layered performance that perfectly captures the hell of Irish womanhood.
Jamie Lee Curtis – EEAAO – I actually really liked Curtis in this role.
Stephanie Hsu – EEAAO – I thought Hsu was ok.
It seemed like Angela Bassett was going to run away with it but the tide has turned in Jamie Lee’s favor.
Should Win: Kerry Condon
Will Win: Jamie Lee Curtis
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Banshees of Insherin – Terrific screenplay.
EEAAO – The film’s underlying philosophy is trite but it’s a sprawling story that eventually works.
The Fabelmans – This is junk. A dreadful script makes a dreadful movie.
Tar – A great forst two acts are scuttled by a rushed and unearned third act.
Triangle of Sadness – This script is fantastic.
This is sort of interesting as The Fabelmans may win because the Academy wants to reward Spielberg for his truly shitty autobiography. That said, I still think that EEAAO wins.
Should Win: Banshees of Inisherin
Will Win: Everything Everywhere All At Once
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
All Quiet on the Western Front – Not perfect but overall well executed.
Glass Onion – identical twins? Oh please. This script is dogshit.
Living – Haven’t seen it.
Top Gun Maverick – This is a joke.
Women Talking – Brutal.
The academy want to reward a woman and Sarah Polley fits the bill with her egregiously awful Woman Talking script.
Should Win: All Quiet on the Western Front
Will Win: Women Talking
BEST DIRECTOR
Martin McDonagh – Banshees of Inisherin – Nice to see McDonagh bounce back from the shit that was Three Billboards.
The Daniels – EEAAO – Not great but they somewhat pulled off an ambitious idea.
Steven Spielberg – The Fabelmans – This movie stinks so bad it shocked me that Spielberg released it.
Todd Field – Tar – Well directed but loses its grip in the third act.
Ruben Ostland – Triangle of Sadness – Shockingly well directed movie that in lesser hands would’ve been an absolute mess.
Should Win: Martin McDonagh
Will Win: The Daniels
BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM
All Quiet on the Western Front
Argentina, 1985
Close
EO
The Quiet Girl
Should Win: All Quiet on the Western Front
Will Win: All Quiet on the Western Front
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio
Marcel the Shell with Shoes On
Puss in Boots
The Sea Beast
Seeing Red
Should Win: Pinocchio
Will Win: Pinocchio – This is a terrific movie, one of the best of the year.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
All That Breathes
All the Beauty and the Bloodshed
Fire of Love
A House Made of Splinters
Navalny
Will Win: Navalny – Just feels like the academy will want to signal its virtue by thumbing their nose at the supposed Hitler du jour Vladimir Putin. How brave.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Elephant Whisperers
Haulout
How Do You Measure a Year
The Martha Mitchell Effect
Stranger at the Gate
Will Win: Elephant Whisperers
LIVE ACTION SHORT
An irish Goodbye
Ivalu
Le pupille
Night Ride
The Red Suitcase
WILL WIN: Le pupille
ANIMATED SHORT
The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse
The Flying Sailor
Ice Merchants
My Year of Dicks
An Ostrich Told Me the World is Fake and I Think I Believe It
Will Win: The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse
ORIGINAL SCORE
All Quiet on the Western Front
Babylon
The Banshees of Inisherin
EEAAO
The Fabelmans
Will Win: All Quiet on the Western Front – The score of this film is crucial in setting the ominous and unsettling mood.
ORIGINAL SONG
Applause – Tell it Like a Woman
Hold My Hand - Top Gun Maverick
Lift Me Up - Wakanda Forever
Naatu Naatu - RRR
This is Life - EEAAO
Will Win: Naatu Naatu
PRODUCTION DESIGN
All Quiet on the Western Front
Avatar The Way of Water
Babylon
Elvis
The Fabelmans
Should Win: All Quiet on the Western Front
Will Win: Elvis – This is the type of movie that the Oscars reward.
BEST SOUND
All Quiet on the Western Front
Avatar the Way of Water
The Batman
Elvis
Top Gun Maverick
Will Win: Top Gun Maverick – This feels like the Academy throwing this fan favorite a bone.
CINEMATOGRAPHY
All Quiet on the Western Front
Bardo
Elvis
Empire of Light
Tar
Will Win: All Quiet on the Western Front – Easily the best cinematography of the year.
COSTUME DESIGN
Babylon
Wakanda Forever
Elvis
EEAAO
Mrs Harris Goes to Paris
Will Win: Elvis – There’s a chance that Wakanda Forever or Babylon win, but it seems like Elvis will do well in these types of categories.
MAKEUP & HAIRSTYLE
All Quiet on the Western Front
The Batman
Wakanda Forever
Elvis
The Whale
Will Win: Elvis – Wakanda Forever is a real possibility but again, Elvis is adored for stuff like this.
FILM EDITING
Banshees of Inisherin
Elvis
EEAAO
Tar
Top Gun Maverick
Will Win: EEAAO – I actually thought the editing (or lack thereof) was one of the worst parts of EEAAO, but what the hell do I know?
VISUAL EFFECTS
All Quiet on the Western Front
Avatar The Way of Water
The Batman
Wakanda Forever
Top Gun Maverick
Will Win: Avatar the Way of Water – This is a bone thrown to big Jim Cameron for his money printing machine.
And thus concludes my Oscar picks. God willing every Oscar winner gets slapped on stage this year. If that happens then I promise I’ll actually watch the show next year. A man can dream.
©2023