The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming...to Shoot a Movie in Space!

To: Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, RAF Exchange Officer

From: Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper, U.S. Space Force

CC: Dr. Strangelove – The War Room, General Buck Turgidson – Joints Chiefs of Staff, President Merkin Muffley – President of the United States of America.

Dear Captain Mandrake –

I regret to inform you that the Russians have once again beat us to the punch in the space race, this time by shooting the first feature film in space, and I’m deeply concerned that all American’s precious bodily fluids are now in grave danger.

Let me explain, Mandrake. For my entire life as a proud American, I was dutifully marinated in establishment media propaganda that long ago indoctrinated me with the holy belief that all things Russian are nefarious and evil. It was through this lens of star-spangled truth that I read the news that Russia had successfully sent actress Yulia Peresild (Battle of Sevastopol – 2015) and director Klim Shipenko to the International Space Station in order to shoot a feature length film in space, something never before accomplished.

What makes this space-based movie shoot for the film Challenge, which tells the tale of an emergency mission to the international space station to tend to an ailing cosmonaut, all the more villainous, is that it beat Hollywood legend Tom Cruise in the moviemaking-space-race, as the Mission Impossible star had hoped to be the first to pull off the stunt with the help of our friends at NASA and SpaceX.

Russians have long been scoring firsts when it comes to the space race against us, Mandrake, as they put the first satellite (Sputnik), first dog (Laika), first person (Yuri Gagarin) and first woman (Valentina Tereshkova) into space and also did the first space-walk (Alexei Leonov), but none of those victories came at the expense of American icon Tom Cruise.

Yes, we did beat those commie bastards (and we all know they’re still commies because a commie leopard can never change its spots!) by having Stanley Kurbick shoot a fake “moon landing” in Burbank…oops…that’s the pure-grain alcohol talking, please disregard that last statement. What I meant to say is that at least we beat those Rooskies to the moon. But still, Mandrake, I can’t help but feel that we’ve taken a hit on this one.

To add to my aggravation the New York Times is reporting that Dmitri Rogozin, head of the Russian state space agency Roscosmos, “hopes the mission will make ‘a truly serious work of art and a whole new develop of the promotion of space technologies’, in order to attract young talent to Russia’s space program.”

A movie as a “serious work of art”? How un-American can you get? Ami right, Mandrake?

Furthering my irritation is that NBC News reports that Rogozin said, “Movies long have become a powerful instrument of propaganda”, and that he hoped this new film would “counter the West’s attempts to ‘humiliate’ the Russian space program.” Can you believe he just openly admitted that this commie Russian movie is propaganda, Mandrake?

Personally, I’m proud to live in a free country that doesn’t manipulate movie audiences with mindless militarism and nationalist narratives meant to propagandize and indoctrinate them. By the way, Mandrake, did I ever tell you that my favorite Tom Cruise movie is Top Gun? I loved it when he slaughtered those MiG flying Soviet sons of bitches at the end.

Mandrake, understand this, as a devoted fan of Rachel Maddow and a devout consumer of American corporate media, I’m smart enough to connect the dots regarding this Russian movie-making space venture and can no longer sit back and remain quiet about the true nature of this devious mission.

I confidently declare to you that this mission is about using a mysterious microwave weapon, the same one used against our noble and loving intelligence agency operatives in Havana and across the globe, to sap and impurify all American’s precious bodily fluids.

Just like the mainstream media, I have no proof or any clear understanding of the plan, or how it works, or if this mysterious microwave weapon that impurifies American’s precious bodily fluids even exists, but that won’t stop me from acting against it.

To counter this cinematic microwave space-attack I believe we need to put into motion Operation Starlet Starship. If you’ll remember, Operation Starlet Starship gathers together every nubile young starlet in Hollywood, along with a select group of government and military leaders, like us, as well as Tom Cruise, and sends us into space so that we can run a breeding program in order to repopulate the U.S. after the microwave weapons attack wipes out all precious bodily fluids of every American.

I believe it was Buck Turgidson who came up with the idea of Operation Starlet Starship, and he recommended a Starlet to Stodgy Old Man ratio of 10-to-1. Wise old bird that General Turgidson.

If we can’t round up the requisite number of starlets, I suppose another option is to just get Tom Cruise up to space immediately and have him shoot an all-American, non-propaganda movie where he kills some evil commie cosmonauts as he dismantles their microwave weapon before it impurifies all our precious and vastly superior bodily fluids.

I’d love to see that movie, Mandrake, almost as much as most Americans would want to see all of Hollywood shot into deep space and never seen again. Hopefully we can get Tom Cruise into space before the Russian’s cinematic space plan gets too far advanced!

 A version of this article was originally published at RT.

©2021

Space Force Crashes on the Comedy Launch Pad, but Still Manages to Accomplish Its Propaganda Mission

Estimated Reading Time: 3 minutes 33 seconds

Space Force, the new Netflix comedy from Steve Carell and the creators of The Office, fails miserably as a comedy but is a smashing success as a piece of soft propaganda for the expansion of American militarism into space.

I am a rabid fan of the American version of The Office and have been re-watching the series during the coronavirus lockdown as a way to escape the relentless bad news.

The show doesn’t always work as distraction, as its impetuous, erratic and dim-witted lead character Michael Scott (Steve Carell) is often frighteningly reminiscent of President Trump during his inadvertently hilarious coronavirus press conferences, but even then the show consistently makes me laugh.

When I saw that the creator of The Office, Greg Daniels, and Steve Carell were launching a new sitcom on Netflix titled Space Force, which stars Carell as General Mark Naird, first commander of Trump’s newly formed wing of the U.S. military - Space Force…I was thrilled.

Then I watched it. 

The Space Shuttle Challenger disaster had more laughs.

Space Force, which aspires to be Dr. Strangelove but feels like Dr. Doolittle, is a comedic marvel in that it boasts an absolute murderer’s row of comedy talent that includes Carell, Lisa Kudrow, John Malkovich, Fred Willard, Jane Lynch, Patrick Warburton, Kaitlin Olson, Michael Hitchcock (who is one of the most under-rated and best comedy actors of our time) and Don Lake, but miraculously fails to ever actually be funny.

The show fails as a comedy for a variety of reasons, the most glaring of which is that instead of being a mockumentary like The Office, a style that would have greatly enhanced the off-beat humor, it uses a conventional and rather stale single camera set-up.

The show’s flaccid funny bone was very disappointing but understandable, as comedy is a hard thing to pull off (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!). But what was most striking to me was that the show’s impotent humor cloaked a slick, subtle and very effective piece of soft propaganda promoting American militarism.

The entire premise of Space Force is based upon the notion that American militarization of space is a benign endeavor…and anyone with half a brain in their head and a passing familiarity with history can understand that American militarism, be it on earth or anywhere else, is most definitely not a benign endeavor.

The show even admits that the militarization of space is a malignant and malevolent move…but of course, only when China does it.

John Malkovich’s character Dr. Adrian Mallory clearly articulates this philosophy when he explains why America needs its military in space because, “not every country in space believes in good for all”. That gem was unintentionally the funniest line in the whole show.

You see in the world of Space Force, Americans in general, and the American military in particular, are certainly a little bit goofy, but ultimately, at their heart, are a good and deeply humane people who are unquestionably moral and ethical.

Sure, the show takes some shots at American politicians, including it’s unnamed and unseen Trumpian president, who is an impulsive twitter addict who would gladly start a war just for the clicks, but its adoration of the American military and its leadership, who are seen as rational, reasonable, moral bastions who are, believe it or not, opposed to war, is relentless.

A perfect example of the show’s insipidly slick pro-military American bias is when love interest Kelly King un-ironically explains to General Naird how inherently good he is by saying, “you literally couldn’t do the wrong thing”.

On the show China is seen as the world’s nefariously aggressive, deceptive and expansionist power that repeatedly makes provocative maneuvers meant to bully and intimidate those poor, honest and heartfelt Americans. Thankfully what Space Force lacks in laughs it makes up for with cringe-worthy level historical amnesia and China hating.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a piece of American propaganda if there weren’t some anti-Russian sentiment thrown into the red, white and blue stew too.

The lone Russian character on the show, Yuri, is, like all Russians in American entertainment, a conniving and manipulative schemer who is “on Putin’s payroll”.

Yuri’s insidious plan to destroy America involves dating General Naird’s teenage daughter and plying her with vodka so he can get inside information on the general…how Russian of him!

I can understand that some may think it absurd that some mindless sitcom like Space Force is an insidious piece of propaganda, but that is why it is so effective.

Beyond the flag-waving and saber rattling, the power of the show’s propaganda is found in its seemingly mild assumptions, such as the U.S. military and the militarizing of space being noble and worthy ventures. Space Force normalizes these notions and conditions Americans to unconsciously accept them without challenge.

It also conditions them to put their blind trust and faith in American military leaders at the expense of elected officials. Like me, you may loathe Trump, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Nancy Pelosi, all targets of the show’s comedy, but at least in theory they are held accountable by elections.

The bottom line is that Space Force turns America’s military expansion into space, an abhorrently grotesque idea, into a sort of soft-edged farce, and in doing so, tacitly endorses it.

If history is any guide, future generations are going to learn the hard way that American militarization of space is, like the show Space Force, no laughing matter.

 A version of this article was originally published at RT.

©2020