7th Annual Slip-Me-A-Mickey Awards: 2020 Edition

Estimated Reading Time: 69 seconds

The Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® awards are a tribute to the absolute worst that film and entertainment has to offer for the year. Again, the qualifying rules are simple, I just had to have seen the film for it to be eligible. This means that at one point I had an interest in the film and put the effort in to see it, which may explain why I am so angry about it being awful. So any vitriol I may spew during this awards presentation shouldn't be taken personally by the people mentioned, it is really anger at myself for getting duped into watching.

The prizes are also pretty simple. The winners/losers receive nothing but my temporary scorn. If you are a winner/loser don't fret, because this years Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® loser/winner could always be next years Mickey™® winner!! Remember…you are only as good as your last film!!

Now…onto the awards!

WORST FILM OF THE YEAR

The Trial of the Chicago 7 - Writer/director Aaron Sorkin out did himself with this masturbatorial piece of baby boomer trash. The only thing worse than the writing and acting in this movie is the directing. Just an abysmal movie in every respect.

Da Five Bloods - Just when you thought Spike Lee might have gotten his groove back, he churns out this amateurish hunk of shit. This cringy movie is so poorly directed as to be embarrassing. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Hillbilly Elegy - Hillbilly Elegy is the cinematic equivalent of watching two toothless, elderly cousins have sex in a dumpster filled with month old egg salad during a heatwave. This movie should be considered a crime against humanity.

AND THE LOSER IS…Hillbilly Elegy. I would rather stick 112 toothpicks down my urethra than watch this movie again.

WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Sacha Baron Cohen - The Trial of the Chicago 7 : Funnyman Cohen managed to transform Abbie Hoffman into Borat in one of the most unintentionally funny performances in cinema history. Cohen set the art of acting back roughly 75 years with his cornucopia of ham-handed, God-awful accents - none of which were correct for Hoffman.

WORST SCENE OF THE YEAR

Da Five Bloods - Mine explosion scene : This scene is so transparently ridiculous and so egregiously staged and executed it made my colon twinge. The fact that a professional director shot this scene is a travesty.

The Trial of the Chicago 7 - Final courtroom scene: It was tough narrowing this down to just one scene…but I did my best. This scene where the audience in the courtroom slow claps in appreciation for the courage of the Chicago 7 is like something from a rejected junior high school play. Just the ultimate in cringe.

Hillbilly Elegy - Literally any scene : Just awful. Every scene is just so fucking awful.

AND THE LOSER IS…Hillbilly Elegy. Just atrocious how many awful scenes there are in this abomination. Pick any scene and watch it and try not to light yourself on fire.

MOST OVERRATED FILM OF THE YEAR

The Trial of the Chicago 7 - This laughably bad movie was actually nominated for a bunch of Oscars. That is utterly insane. It is also adored by audiences….which is equally insane. What is the world coming to when a piece of cinematic fecal matter like this is exalted? God help us all.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATIC MALPRACTICE - Ron Howard : Ron Howard is one of the all-time worst big-time filmmakers. Howard’s movies are so trite they make Happy Days episodes look like Raging Bull. After committing cinematic genocide with Hillbilly Elegy, Howard should have his Oscar for A Beautiful Mind revoked, and be executed on the steps of the Mayberry Courthouse. Thanks for nothing Ron Howard…I’ll see you in hell…where no doubt your films will be playing on a loop.

P.O.S. HALL OF FAME

Andrew Cuomo - I have been telling people Andrew Cuomo was a piece of shit well before it was ever fashionable. Last summer the media, most notably Andrew’s retarded brother Fredo…oops, I mean Chris, and the public, were enamored with Andrew for being such a great leader during the pandemic. Cuomo was so intoxicated by the smell of his own farts he actually “wrote” a book about what a great leader he was during the pandemic…AS NEW YORK WAS BEING RAVAGED BY THE PANDEMIC! I wrote a year ago that Cuomo was a piece of shit and that people were dying because of it…but nobody listened.

Cuomo has always been full of shit. He had done tremendous harm to the New York state health care system before the pandemic even started and then when it did he did even more damage. He also fucked over seniors with his nursing home policy and then lied about it to the feds.

Then once the bloom came off the Cuomo rose and people acknowledged he was a piece of shit, a cavalcade of sexual harassment allegations became public. I have no idea if these allegations are true…and to be honest, I don’t really care. Andrew Cuomo is a piece of shit of epic proportions even if he is entirely innocent of harassing these women…which I seriously doubt.

Andrew Cuomo and brother Chris are nothing but vapid bullshit artists cashing in on their family name. My hope is that Andrew Cuomo, that Sonny Corelone wannabe thug, gets his comeuppance on the Causeway just like Sonny did in The Godfather. I also hope Andy’s numb-nuts, mental defective brother Fredo/Chris has a “boating accident” while saying a Hail Mary out on Lake Tahoe. The world would be so much better if it was devoid of Cuomos.

Andrew Cuomo…you have always been a gigantic piece of shit, but now your legacy is cemented…welcome to the Piece of Shit Hall of Fame!!

P.O.S. ALL-STARS -

Every Asshole in the “I Take Responsibility” video - A collection of imbecilic, dead-eyed actors morally preening by reading words on camera so that everyone knows they hate racism and “take responsibility” for “every not so funny joke, every unfair stereotype” was one of the more nauseating displays in a truly repulsive year. Upon seeing the “I Take Responsibility” video the Aerosmith song “My Fist Your Face” (1985- Done With Mirrors) immediately came to mind. I just want to let the vacuous virtue signaling celebrity twats of “I Take Responsibility” know that I cannot take responsibility for what I will do to them if I ever have the great misfortune to meet them, but I promise you my rage will be more sincere than their phony pandering.

Every Asshole in the “Imagine” video - Imagine being so self-absorbed that you think making a video of you and your wealthy friends singing the saccharine anthem ”Imagine” from your mansions during a pandemic when ordinary people are suffering unimaginable-to-you hardships is a really good idea. Where’s Mark David Chapman when you need him?

NBA/WBNA– This year the NBA emulated the flopping and vacant histrionics of its players by doing an extravagantly exaggerated, dramatically over-the-top embrace of “social justice”.

In the NBA bubble in Orlando – The Happiest Place on Earth,  ‘Black Lives Matter’ was painted on every court and players wore trite woke slogans on the back of their jerseys. The absurdity and obscenity of filthy rich, pampered, dim-witted athletes, safely sealed in five star hotels with all expenses paid, adored by millions of people worldwide, wearing jerseys demanding fans “See Us” and “Love Us” is so astronomical as to be immeasurable.

No one gives a shit about the hapless WNBA because even their all-stars would be beaten in a game against a quality boys high school basketball team, but that didn’t stop them from trying to get attention by desperately embracing social issues as well last Summer. After Jacob Blake was shot by a cop in Wisconsin, WNBA players didn’t wear shirts against police brutality, but instead wore shirts celebrating Jacob Blake. Blake had a warrant out for him for sexual assault and domestic abuse of the woman who called the cops on him the day he was shot. Mr. Blake seems like an odd choice for a female basketball league to hold up as a civil rights icon.

LeBron James - This past year the Greatest Receding Hairline of All-Time proved himself to be a social justice charlatan with testicles the size of raisins. Last season, after then Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted support for Hong Kong protestors, LeBron kissed China’s ass and threw Daryl Morey under the bus in order to keep the Chinese money train rolling.

LeBron claimed he couldn’t speak up on China’s brutality toward Hong Kong protestors and Uighers because he wasn’t informed, but then turned around and said Daryl Morey was uninformed too…which of course doesn’t make any sense. How could LeBron know Morey was uninformed if he himself was uninformed?

The narcissistic neanderthal and integrity deficient Lebron then traded in his Nikes for clown shoes last summer by wearing a Breonna Taylor “Say Her Name” t-shirt and doing an egregiously adolescent and nauseatingly pretentious Wakanda salute when Black Panther actor Chadwick Boseman died.

His comments in the wake of George Floyd’s killing and the shooting of Jacob Blake about how he was terrified to leave his house (which is a mansion in a gated Beverly Hills community) because cops are hunting black people were so moronically imbecilic as to be absurd, but he upped the ante when in the wake of the police shooting of Ma’Khia Bryant in Columbus Ohio, LeBron posted a picture of the cop who shot her accompanied by a demand for “accountability”.

I believe LeBron when he says he was uninformed about China since he seems perpetually uninformed about pretty much everything. For example, apparently LeBron didn’t know (or care) that the cop in the Ma’Khia Bryant case was saving a young black girls life by by shooting Bryant, who was poised to stab the young black girl her in the chest when she was shot and killed.

Another example of LeBron’s emotionalist buffoonery is his Breonna Taylor fetish…I am willing to bet that LeBron has no idea about the circumstances around that tragic case, such as the fact that Breonna’s boyfriend actually fired the first shot in the battle - wounding a cop, and that Breonna was shot - not in bed as most people believe, but in the hallway next to her boyfriend - who had just fired his weapon.

Look, I am not saying LeBron should shut up and dribble, he should, like anyone, speak his mind, but maybe he should actually get informed before he makes comments on anything.

And if LeBron doesn’t want to be a shameless hypocrite maybe he should stand up for things when it actually costs him something, as opposed to only when it benefits him and his wallet. So maybe if he spoke out against Chinese brutality against Hong Kong protestors and Uighers, then he might have some moral authority when it comes to his comments regarding race and policing…no matter how ill-informed and emotionalists they may be…and they are almost entirely ill-informed and emotionalist.

Anyway…LeBron is a great basketball player and that is evidenced by his being a 17 time NBA all-star…but he is also a gigantic piece of shit, as evidenced by his inclusion on this year’s Piece of Shit All-Star team.

Every Asshole “Health Professional” Who Signed the Letter Telling People to Get Out and Protest Against “Racism” During a Pandemic - These assholes decided to flush their integrity and sell their credibility when they said people should be in lockdown during the pandemic…except if it was to join a protest against “racism”. Of course, these pricks also said to gather for any other reason - especially to protest against the lockdown, was a super spreader event and extremely dangerous (and racist). According to these geniuses having the “correct” politics makes you immune from infection.

Anyone with half a brain in their head could see how detrimental to public health this bit of medical virtue signaling really was…but it took months for anyone in the media to actually even gently question the illogic behind this movement.

So when medical professionals or the media now wonder why people aren’t getting vaccinated or why the public doesn’t trust them…look no further than the action of these pieces of shit for an answer.

And thus concludes another Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® awards. If you are one of the people who “won” this year I ask you to please not to take it personally and also to try and do better next year….because remember…this years Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® award winner could be next year’s Mickey™® Award winner!!

This article contains previously published material.

©2021

Coronavirus Thoughts and Musings

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes 27 seconds

With the coronavirus currently kicking us all in the ass and with Dear Leader announcing that the “self-distancing” protocols will stay in effect for at least another month, now seems as good a time as any to throw out some thoughts regarding this entire viral nightmare that has become our reality.

One of the benefits of being stuck in self-imposed isolation is that it gives one time to reflect and ponder on things. What follows are some of my reflections and ponderings.

PSYCHOLOGY OF A PLAGUE

The psychology of coronavirus is pretty fascinating to observe, in others and in myself.

In the weeks leading up to March 12th, when all hell broke loose in America when the NBA and NHL postponed their seasons over Covid-19 marking a new stage in the seriousness of the pandemic, I spoke to a bunch of people living across the U.S. to ask them what they thought about the coronavirus story.

At that time, every single person I spoke with told me that the coronavirus story was overblown or media hype. Not a single one of them took it even remotely seriously or adapted their lifestyle or began preparing for a prolonged pandemic.

I bought into the coronavirus story pretty early and was genuinely concerned about it, enough so that I stocked up on food and supplies back in February. When I spoke with people about coronavirus, I did not try to convince anyone else to change their opinion, but instead only listened to their perspective. I was keenly aware that to challenge people on their coronavirus beliefs of the moment could be interpreted as “judging” them, which was not my intention. I was only aware that human psychology being what it is, if I pressed people on their beliefs that would only engender defensiveness and further strengthen the belief I was questioning.

What I discovered through these conversations was that the consensus of doubt appeared to be a manifestation of both denial and cognitive dissonance.

What further bolstered this finding was that when I stopped to examine my own journey regarding coronavirus, I quickly discovered that I too went through some stages of palpable denial fueled by cognitive dissonance.

Proof of my cognitive dissonance shows itself in the fact that my concern regarding Covid-19 was so striking that I actually prepared my home for quarantine back in February and at the same time even began lobbying my wife (unsuccessfully) to pull our young son from pre-school, but despite all of that I still engaged in foolish and dangerous behavior anyway.

For example, in the first week of March, even though I was deathly frightened to do so, I still went to two concerts. On March 4th I took crowded public transportation to the Staples Center and saw Kiss, and then four days later went to the Saban Theater to see Buddy Guy. I was hyper-aware of the risk, and was vigilant in avoiding touching things and my face and every fifteen minutes or so doused my hands in Purell, but still, going to those concerts was incredibly reckless.

My thinking when deciding whether to go to these concerts or not was this…”well, I already paid for the ticket so I don’t want that money to go to waste.” This thinking, which my good Irish friend Liam called “Potato Famine Mentality”, is utterly insane. In my mind I was risking my life to go to these concerts, but still went out of not wanting to “waste money”. This is denial in action and shows the power of my own cognitive dissonance.

On March 9th, the day after I attended the Buddy Guy show, consensus was finally reached in the Politburo of my household and so we pulled my son from school, and my wife stopped going to work. This was one full week before all of LA and LA schools were shut down and three days before the NBA and NHL shut down. So basically my family has officially had a one week head start on wrapping our head around the very difficult-to-grasp concept of quarantining. From this vantage point it has been enlightening to see other people go through the same mental gymnastics we did, just a week or two after us.

For instance, days after I pulled my son from school both LA and New York City began debating whether they should shut down schools. The arguments they used were, like my Potato Famine Mentality, utterly insane, such as “kids don’t die from the disease” or “parents can’t stop working to stay at home with kids” or “kids get their meals from school”. These statements may be true but they are entirely irrelevant when dealing with a deadly pandemic. LA and NYC schools were victims of their own cognitive dissonance and stuck in denial because to acknowledge reality was too heavy a burden to bear. The officials in LA and NYC were simply incapable of wrapping their heads around the gravity of the situation because it was in their own personal best interests to not do so. Thankfully, they eventually came to their senses and a week after I made the same decision, they closed schools.

President Trump, the federal government and some state governments, have gone through that same roller coaster ride of denial, until reality crashed upon their heads and it could no longer be denied. Trump, ever the American id, sometimes goes through masturbatorial episodes of cognitive dissonance and denial even in the course of a press conference or in the answer to a single question.

The biggest lesson I learned from my struggle with cognitive dissonance and denial was that people really are entirely resistant to the concept of their own vulnerability and massive upheaval and change.

For example, baby boomers seem to be in deep denial about the dangers of coronavirus, and have been very slow to grasp the dire nature of the situation. Added on top of that is their denial of the reality that they are, in fact, elderly. It seems the vast majority of that generation are oblivious to the danger of Covid-19 and to the fact that they are not invincible, and have acted recklessly and selfishly in an act of adolescent defiance. You’d expect the delusion of invincibility from teenagers whose brains haven’t even fully developed yet, but not from 70 year olds with a lifetime of experience.

The baby boomer’s delusions of invincibility as well as their coronavirus denial fit nicely into American’s overall persistent inability to grasp that things can and will change, and will do so in a hurry. The one basic rule of life is this…things will not always be the way they are now. The aggressively delusional nature of our entire culture is stunning to behold when you step back and take a good look at it….and right now we all have time to step back and take a look at it.

Speaking of the delusional nature of our culture…

THE POLITICS OF A PANDEMIC

The coronavirus is a black swan event that is obliterating expectations across our culture and throwing everything, be it the economy, politics, entertainment, sport, you name it…into chaos.

As I argued in my last piece, crisis is always an opportunity for change, but the things that need to change in America won’t, and the things we shouldn’t change will…but for the worse.

Which brings us to the presidential election. My first thought regarding the election is I wonder if it will even happen.

There have been some epidemiologists saying that they believe that Covid-19 is a seasonal disease. This is good news and bad news…the good news is that it means that the disease will recede in the summer which will give people a much needed break from isolation.

The bad news is that being seasonal means it will return in the fall…right around election time. So if it returns in early November, that means that polling places could be a prime place for transmission and the pandemic could intensify over the winter beyond the nightmare through which we are already living.

If coronavirus returns earlier than that…say in early October, that could be even more troubling, as there is a distinct possibility that the election could be “postponed”. I know that sounds alarmist…but does anyone think that Trump would hesitate for one second to postpone/cancel the election if it were to his benefit? Does anyone think the Republicans in the Senate and the House, or conservatives on the Supreme Court would challenge him on that? No way.

It would also be difficult for Democrats to make a compelling case against this action since they will no doubt spend the campaign slamming Trump for having not done enough to prevent the coronavirus crisis in the first place or to fight it when it arrived. Trump would of course frame the “postponed” election as a preventative measure and would then turn the issue onto Democrats who are being reckless with America’s health.

Of course, this is all just speculation, and I hope the virus is soon eradicated and life returns to some semblance of “normalcy”. But normalcy seems much farther away than tyranny at the moment.

As far as the candidates go, due to coronavirus, they are not as set in stone as we might think they are. Both Trump and the presumptive Democratic nominee, Joe Biden, are in their 70’s and not exactly the picture of health. It is certainly not out of the realm of possibility that Trump or Biden or both, could get sick and ultimately die from the disease….or something else.

Trump dying from Covid-19 (or another health issue), would, depending on the timing, presumably put Pence on the ballot. It would also kick off a furious civil war within the Republican party that would obliterate any chance for their victory in November. Trump and his personal ambition are the foundation of the Republican party right now, and without his cult of personality, the party will crumble.

Even Pence being the VP choice is tenuous at the moment. Even though he is one of the most aggressive sycophants of the Trump era who has brought shameless ass-kissing to new lows, I could totally see Trump just kicking him to the curb for Nikki Haley or someone else.

Even though Trump has been excruciatingly awful in his handling of the coronavirus crisis and in leading the country through it, his poll numbers are skyrocketing (for him at least) so he may not have to cancel the election to win it. Trump is greatly aided by the fact that the Democrats seem to be rolling the dice with Joe Biden, who looks as though he reeks of formaldehyde. it is hysterical to me that Democrats chose to make their decision in the primary on “electability”, and landed on Biden, who is an absolute disaster of a candidate. He is obviously suffering from dementia, and appears to be having a stroke almost every time he is on camera.

In the early weeks of the coronavirus crisis Biden was totally MIA. In recent days he has come out of hiding and everyone now wishes he was back to being MIA.

Biden persistently appears like a doddering old man who has just awoken from a very long and disorienting nap. Even with the absurdly soft treatment he gets from the media, the incoherent Biden still looks so physically and mentally frail that it is painful to watch.

Beyond Biden’s age and health limitations, he is also just a dreadful politician, and always has been. He is exactly what we don’t need or want at this moment. He is a corrupt establishmentarian who believes in absolutely nothing except his own advancement. A brief glimpse at his long track record reveals a target rich environment where selling out isn’t just a recurring theme, but the only theme.

It is very apparent to me that Trump is not up to running the country, but it is also very apparent that Biden is not up to running for president. I think even the dipshits at the DNC can see that he is not up to a grueling campaign. I believe there is a decent chance that at, or before, the convention, Biden steps down, or is pushed…in fact I’d put the odds of Biden being the nominee in November at less than 50%.

There is a lot of speculation afoot that the current “savior of the moment”, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, or as I call him, Rudy Giuliani with a Prostate, may be foisted upon the nation at the convention. I have an intense dislike for Andrew Cuomo, who is an absolute piece of shit and one of the biggest assholes we have in public life - quite an accomplishment.

Governor Cuomo is out there now bitching and moaning about a lack of hospital beds and supplies in New York needed to fight the plague of coronavirus, but it is his policies, including gutting medicaid - which he is still doing even during a pandemic - that have closed hospitals and removed 20,000 hospital beds from the state. Once again a politician makes it rain outside then complains about the weather.

Andrew’s brother Chris, who just tested positive for Covid-19, is a CNN host and may very well be the dumbest human being to ever walk the face of the earth. I sincerely hope that Chris recovers in full, if only because I hope to meet him one day, call him “Fredo” and then beat the few brain cells he actually has out of his stupid, dopey head.

It has been well established that Chris Cuomo is Fredo Corleone…but make no mistake, that does not make Andrew Cuomo - Michael Corleone…or even Sonny or Tom. No, Andrew Cuomo is Phillip Tattaglia…and just like Tattaglia, Andrew Cuomo is a skeezy pimp.

Besides Cuomo as a Biden replacement, there have also been rumblings that Hillary Clinton would, like a nasty strain of chlamydia, resurface once again. This is unlikely, but considering it is such a catastrophically bad idea, the DNC might just do it.

Regardless of who the candidates are, there is one thing we can count on…the American people are going to get fucked over six ways to Sunday by whichever douchebag wins.

PLAYING PANDEMIC DURING A PANDEMIC

Ten years ago this April 14th, my good friend Ben Morris died from cancer. Ben’s death was a staggering blow to all of us who loved him.

Ben battled the disease for over two years before it took his life. In those years, where he was more or less stuck in his brother Jem’s apartment in Los Angeles or at his parents house in Seattle, Ben became interested in, and sort of obsessed with, high end board games.

Ben, Jem and I would play these pricey board games for hours and hours on end. Games like Catan, Puerto Rico, Die Macher, Princes of Florence and many others were on the menu for our marathon sessions.

Board games were perfect for us because playing them was a social act, we could converse and joke and actually look at one another as we played, unlike with say video games, where there is very little human connection.

Ben and I got so into board games we actually designed our own, which I have to admit was a pretty cool game. Sadly, a mutual friend (former friend actually) stole the idea after Ben died and is now trying to sell it as his own. Rest assured, if I ever see this cunt again I am going to kick him in the mouth so hard his teeth will fly out his asshole, and then I’ll decapitate him with a wooden spoon and throw his empty fucking head into a septic tank.

Sorry…I got distracted by rage…what was I talking about? Oh right…board games.

Anyway, one game that Ben really got into when he was sick was Pandemic. Pandemic is a board game where you work as a team to try and stop a series of disease outbreaks across the globe. It is a pretty cool game.

Ben went through a period during his illness when he was obsessed with Pandemic…so much so that he would play solitaire games of it for hours on end. The psychology of someone battling cancer being obsessed with a game where you are trying to stamp out disease popping up across the globe is fascinating. It seemed obvious to me that Ben was using Pandemic as an avatar for his own battle to stamp out the disease in his body.

Which brings me to today and the coronavirus pandemic.

When Ben died Jem gave me a lot of the board games we all used to play. Not being much of a social entity, I have not played the games a great deal over the last decade. But when the coronavirus pandemic hit I immediately thought of Pandemic and went to try and find it. I couldn’t though. The game is somehow missing from my collection. So I searched online and found a video version of it instead that only cost $4.99…which is a huge bargain since high end board games can run $50 or more. So I bought Pandemic online and began to play it on my own.

I can now fully understand how the fear of dying from a disease can fuel an obsession with Pandemic. There is an urgency and profound meaning to every game I play. When I lose and the pandemic runs out of control over the earth, my heart sinks as I ponder the chance of that happening in the real world. My mortality doesn’t just feel inevitable, but impending.

When I actually win the game, which is maybe 1/3 of the time, I find myself being much, much more optimistic about the coronavirus pandemic and how bad it will get and how soon it will end. After wins I find myself gravitating to more positive news regarding our own pandemic…away from death counts and toward cures, vaccines and optimistic timelines and such.

I think my current fascination with the game Pandemic is just another extension of the denial I mentioned earlier. In the coronavirus pandemic we all feel hopeless and helpless and there is nothing we can do…but when I play Pandemic it feels like I am doing something. The thing I am doing is, every time I win at least, purging my anxiety, and when I lose it is an exercise in embracing humility in the face of a gargantuan existential problem.

Beyond that, I have no further insights on coronavirus at the moment, so I will conclude my rambling by telling you to stay safe, stay healthy and stay alive.

©2020