7th Annual Slip-Me-A-Mickey Awards: 2020 Edition
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The Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® awards are a tribute to the absolute worst that film and entertainment has to offer for the year. Again, the qualifying rules are simple, I just had to have seen the film for it to be eligible. This means that at one point I had an interest in the film and put the effort in to see it, which may explain why I am so angry about it being awful. So any vitriol I may spew during this awards presentation shouldn't be taken personally by the people mentioned, it is really anger at myself for getting duped into watching.
The prizes are also pretty simple. The winners/losers receive nothing but my temporary scorn. If you are a winner/loser don't fret, because this years Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® loser/winner could always be next years Mickey™® winner!! Remember…you are only as good as your last film!!
Now…onto the awards!
WORST FILM OF THE YEAR
The Trial of the Chicago 7 - Writer/director Aaron Sorkin out did himself with this masturbatorial piece of baby boomer trash. The only thing worse than the writing and acting in this movie is the directing. Just an abysmal movie in every respect.
Da Five Bloods - Just when you thought Spike Lee might have gotten his groove back, he churns out this amateurish hunk of shit. This cringy movie is so poorly directed as to be embarrassing. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Hillbilly Elegy - Hillbilly Elegy is the cinematic equivalent of watching two toothless, elderly cousins have sex in a dumpster filled with month old egg salad during a heatwave. This movie should be considered a crime against humanity.
AND THE LOSER IS…Hillbilly Elegy. I would rather stick 112 toothpicks down my urethra than watch this movie again.
WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR
Sacha Baron Cohen - The Trial of the Chicago 7 : Funnyman Cohen managed to transform Abbie Hoffman into Borat in one of the most unintentionally funny performances in cinema history. Cohen set the art of acting back roughly 75 years with his cornucopia of ham-handed, God-awful accents - none of which were correct for Hoffman.
WORST SCENE OF THE YEAR
Da Five Bloods - Mine explosion scene : This scene is so transparently ridiculous and so egregiously staged and executed it made my colon twinge. The fact that a professional director shot this scene is a travesty.
The Trial of the Chicago 7 - Final courtroom scene: It was tough narrowing this down to just one scene…but I did my best. This scene where the audience in the courtroom slow claps in appreciation for the courage of the Chicago 7 is like something from a rejected junior high school play. Just the ultimate in cringe.
Hillbilly Elegy - Literally any scene : Just awful. Every scene is just so fucking awful.
AND THE LOSER IS…Hillbilly Elegy. Just atrocious how many awful scenes there are in this abomination. Pick any scene and watch it and try not to light yourself on fire.
MOST OVERRATED FILM OF THE YEAR
The Trial of the Chicago 7 - This laughably bad movie was actually nominated for a bunch of Oscars. That is utterly insane. It is also adored by audiences….which is equally insane. What is the world coming to when a piece of cinematic fecal matter like this is exalted? God help us all.
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATIC MALPRACTICE - Ron Howard : Ron Howard is one of the all-time worst big-time filmmakers. Howard’s movies are so trite they make Happy Days episodes look like Raging Bull. After committing cinematic genocide with Hillbilly Elegy, Howard should have his Oscar for A Beautiful Mind revoked, and be executed on the steps of the Mayberry Courthouse. Thanks for nothing Ron Howard…I’ll see you in hell…where no doubt your films will be playing on a loop.
P.O.S. HALL OF FAME
Andrew Cuomo - I have been telling people Andrew Cuomo was a piece of shit well before it was ever fashionable. Last summer the media, most notably Andrew’s retarded brother Fredo…oops, I mean Chris, and the public, were enamored with Andrew for being such a great leader during the pandemic. Cuomo was so intoxicated by the smell of his own farts he actually “wrote” a book about what a great leader he was during the pandemic…AS NEW YORK WAS BEING RAVAGED BY THE PANDEMIC! I wrote a year ago that Cuomo was a piece of shit and that people were dying because of it…but nobody listened.
Cuomo has always been full of shit. He had done tremendous harm to the New York state health care system before the pandemic even started and then when it did he did even more damage. He also fucked over seniors with his nursing home policy and then lied about it to the feds.
Then once the bloom came off the Cuomo rose and people acknowledged he was a piece of shit, a cavalcade of sexual harassment allegations became public. I have no idea if these allegations are true…and to be honest, I don’t really care. Andrew Cuomo is a piece of shit of epic proportions even if he is entirely innocent of harassing these women…which I seriously doubt.
Andrew Cuomo and brother Chris are nothing but vapid bullshit artists cashing in on their family name. My hope is that Andrew Cuomo, that Sonny Corelone wannabe thug, gets his comeuppance on the Causeway just like Sonny did in The Godfather. I also hope Andy’s numb-nuts, mental defective brother Fredo/Chris has a “boating accident” while saying a Hail Mary out on Lake Tahoe. The world would be so much better if it was devoid of Cuomos.
Andrew Cuomo…you have always been a gigantic piece of shit, but now your legacy is cemented…welcome to the Piece of Shit Hall of Fame!!
P.O.S. ALL-STARS -
Every Asshole in the “I Take Responsibility” video - A collection of imbecilic, dead-eyed actors morally preening by reading words on camera so that everyone knows they hate racism and “take responsibility” for “every not so funny joke, every unfair stereotype” was one of the more nauseating displays in a truly repulsive year. Upon seeing the “I Take Responsibility” video the Aerosmith song “My Fist Your Face” (1985- Done With Mirrors) immediately came to mind. I just want to let the vacuous virtue signaling celebrity twats of “I Take Responsibility” know that I cannot take responsibility for what I will do to them if I ever have the great misfortune to meet them, but I promise you my rage will be more sincere than their phony pandering.
Every Asshole in the “Imagine” video - Imagine being so self-absorbed that you think making a video of you and your wealthy friends singing the saccharine anthem ”Imagine” from your mansions during a pandemic when ordinary people are suffering unimaginable-to-you hardships is a really good idea. Where’s Mark David Chapman when you need him?
NBA/WBNA– This year the NBA emulated the flopping and vacant histrionics of its players by doing an extravagantly exaggerated, dramatically over-the-top embrace of “social justice”.
In the NBA bubble in Orlando – The Happiest Place on Earth, ‘Black Lives Matter’ was painted on every court and players wore trite woke slogans on the back of their jerseys. The absurdity and obscenity of filthy rich, pampered, dim-witted athletes, safely sealed in five star hotels with all expenses paid, adored by millions of people worldwide, wearing jerseys demanding fans “See Us” and “Love Us” is so astronomical as to be immeasurable.
No one gives a shit about the hapless WNBA because even their all-stars would be beaten in a game against a quality boys high school basketball team, but that didn’t stop them from trying to get attention by desperately embracing social issues as well last Summer. After Jacob Blake was shot by a cop in Wisconsin, WNBA players didn’t wear shirts against police brutality, but instead wore shirts celebrating Jacob Blake. Blake had a warrant out for him for sexual assault and domestic abuse of the woman who called the cops on him the day he was shot. Mr. Blake seems like an odd choice for a female basketball league to hold up as a civil rights icon.
LeBron James - This past year the Greatest Receding Hairline of All-Time proved himself to be a social justice charlatan with testicles the size of raisins. Last season, after then Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted support for Hong Kong protestors, LeBron kissed China’s ass and threw Daryl Morey under the bus in order to keep the Chinese money train rolling.
LeBron claimed he couldn’t speak up on China’s brutality toward Hong Kong protestors and Uighers because he wasn’t informed, but then turned around and said Daryl Morey was uninformed too…which of course doesn’t make any sense. How could LeBron know Morey was uninformed if he himself was uninformed?
The narcissistic neanderthal and integrity deficient Lebron then traded in his Nikes for clown shoes last summer by wearing a Breonna Taylor “Say Her Name” t-shirt and doing an egregiously adolescent and nauseatingly pretentious Wakanda salute when Black Panther actor Chadwick Boseman died.
His comments in the wake of George Floyd’s killing and the shooting of Jacob Blake about how he was terrified to leave his house (which is a mansion in a gated Beverly Hills community) because cops are hunting black people were so moronically imbecilic as to be absurd, but he upped the ante when in the wake of the police shooting of Ma’Khia Bryant in Columbus Ohio, LeBron posted a picture of the cop who shot her accompanied by a demand for “accountability”.
I believe LeBron when he says he was uninformed about China since he seems perpetually uninformed about pretty much everything. For example, apparently LeBron didn’t know (or care) that the cop in the Ma’Khia Bryant case was saving a young black girls life by by shooting Bryant, who was poised to stab the young black girl her in the chest when she was shot and killed.
Another example of LeBron’s emotionalist buffoonery is his Breonna Taylor fetish…I am willing to bet that LeBron has no idea about the circumstances around that tragic case, such as the fact that Breonna’s boyfriend actually fired the first shot in the battle - wounding a cop, and that Breonna was shot - not in bed as most people believe, but in the hallway next to her boyfriend - who had just fired his weapon.
Look, I am not saying LeBron should shut up and dribble, he should, like anyone, speak his mind, but maybe he should actually get informed before he makes comments on anything.
And if LeBron doesn’t want to be a shameless hypocrite maybe he should stand up for things when it actually costs him something, as opposed to only when it benefits him and his wallet. So maybe if he spoke out against Chinese brutality against Hong Kong protestors and Uighers, then he might have some moral authority when it comes to his comments regarding race and policing…no matter how ill-informed and emotionalists they may be…and they are almost entirely ill-informed and emotionalist.
Anyway…LeBron is a great basketball player and that is evidenced by his being a 17 time NBA all-star…but he is also a gigantic piece of shit, as evidenced by his inclusion on this year’s Piece of Shit All-Star team.
Every Asshole “Health Professional” Who Signed the Letter Telling People to Get Out and Protest Against “Racism” During a Pandemic - These assholes decided to flush their integrity and sell their credibility when they said people should be in lockdown during the pandemic…except if it was to join a protest against “racism”. Of course, these pricks also said to gather for any other reason - especially to protest against the lockdown, was a super spreader event and extremely dangerous (and racist). According to these geniuses having the “correct” politics makes you immune from infection.
Anyone with half a brain in their head could see how detrimental to public health this bit of medical virtue signaling really was…but it took months for anyone in the media to actually even gently question the illogic behind this movement.
So when medical professionals or the media now wonder why people aren’t getting vaccinated or why the public doesn’t trust them…look no further than the action of these pieces of shit for an answer.
And thus concludes another Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® awards. If you are one of the people who “won” this year I ask you to please not to take it personally and also to try and do better next year….because remember…this years Slip-Me-A-Mickey™® award winner could be next year’s Mickey™® Award winner!!
This article contains previously published material.
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